A Rigorously Unbiased Analysis of Whether We Should Get Coffee

# Standard imports. Nothing unusual. Totally normal notebook.
import universe                          # loaded since the beginning of time, waiting for this
import coincidences                      # suspiciously large package
from feelings import the_kind_you_ignore  # until you can't
from feelings import that_specific_electricity
import coffee                             # the excuse. also the plan.
import awkward_silence                   # regrettably, also a dependency
import audacity                           # for making this whole notebook

# The universe has been leaving breadcrumbs.
# This is the part where we follow them.
timeline = Universe.load_events([
  {
    "date"  : "A Sunday, minding our own business",
    "event" : "Matched on Hinge",
    "flag"  : "HIGH — he read her profile twice. twice, Sana."
  },
  {
    "date"  : "Monday — the very next morning — this is not a drill",
    "event" : "She joins a company 5 minutes from his home",
    "flag"  : "COSMIC — universe.exe is clearly trying to say something"
  }
])

# statistical sanity check
print(timeline.summary())
print(timeline.what_are_the_odds())  # spoiler: embarrassingly low

# Defining the subjects. Peer review encouraged. Criticism accepted.
Sana = Person(
  name           = "Sana",
  role           = "Data Scientist + Main Character Energy (verified)",
  traits         = ["talented", "sweet", "dangerously funny", "nonchalant in a way that is actually lethal"],
  hinge_prompt_1 = "dating me is like living an illusion",  # he thought about this for 4 days
  hinge_prompt_2 = "be smart, don't cringe me out",         # he is sweating
  comfort_mode   = "calls > in-person (correct, valid, respectable)",
  vibe           = "immaculate, certified, no notes"
)

Him = Person(
  name              = "the guy who made this whole notebook, yes really",
  role              = "Software Engineer / Amateur Disaster",
  traits            = ["quiet but thinking loud thoughts", "a little possessive", "genuinely caring", "absurdly chalant"],
  known_bugs        = [
    "mumbles mid-sentence when nervous (she makes him nervous)",
    "will say something senseless then stare at the wall for 3 seconds",
    "overthinks at 2am and makes small webapp about it",
    "worries he is Too Much and also Not Enough simultaneously"
  ],
  current_fear      = "am I her type? is this cringe? it's probably cringe",
  current_status    = "100% sure. also terrified. both at the same time.",
  coffee_preference = "yes please, with you specifically, immediately"
)

print(Person.find_overlap(Sana, Him))
print(Person.check_prompt_compliance(Him, rule="don't cringe me out"))

# Running the model. Objective. Unbiased. The author did not tamper with the weights.
# (The author absolutely tampered with nothing. These are real numbers. Trust the science.)
model = Universe.CompatibilityModel(
  version   = "honest",
  bias      = "none (the model agrees with him anyway)",
  epochs    = 999   # ran it many times. same result each time. make of that what you will.
)
result = model.analyze(Sana, Him)
result.plot(show_embarrassing_details=True)

# Addressing the elephant. The elephant is wearing a suit and avoiding eye contact.
def what_happens_on_the_calls():
  """
  The calls are good.
  Like — actually good.
  He talks, she talks, it flows.

  And then. Sometimes. He opens his mouth to say
  something clever. Something that would land.
  Something that would make her think wow, this guy.

  What comes out instead is:
  a half-formed thought,
  a filler word,
  and then silence.

  Not because he has nothing to say.
  Because she makes him forget he had something to say.
  Which, in hindsight, is kind of the compliment.
  """
  return {
    "status"         : "it's fine, we're fine, everything is fine 🫠",
    "root_cause"     : "her, specifically",
    "fix_available"  : False,
    "would_change_it": False
  }

what_happens_on_the_calls()

# Final consultation: checking in with whoever is running the universe tonight
universe.check_signs(
  timeline  = timeline,
  subjects  = [Sana, Him],
  verbose   = True,
  be_honest = True   # this is important
)

# The part where he stops being a coward and just asks.
# It took this long. It took a whole notebook. He knows.
coffee.invite(
  from_   = "the engineer who made this instead of just texting you",
  to      = "Sana — yes, you specifically",
  vibe    = "warm drinks, no agenda, just us",
  fallback= "a call first is completely valid and also perfect",
  pace    = "whatever works for you, works for me, I mean it",
  note    = "Death By Chocolate is on the table as a venue option"
)